No, not the latest "Sole Survivor" from this season's reality show...(though one of the very few benefits of being over here is that I got to watch the show without causing my spousal unit distress and nausea)...but rather the winner of the "Leprechaun's Loser AFN Commercial" award. For those of you who have ever experienced the dubious pleasure of watching what Armed Forces Network (AFN) replaces regular commercials with, well, those suckers haven't improved much. I swear that some of the spots AFN used to broadcast when I was stationed in Europe in the mid-70's are still airing today...and not as part of a TV nostalgia show. We have commercials promoting driver safety, good weapons cleaning and maintenance procedures, classes in blowin' stuff up, the Army Corps of Engineers (best soundtrack award goes to those folks, by the way...wish I could add it to my iTunes library), suicide prevention (a different one at least every hour...and they don't seem to be helping...), anti-drinking and driving, physical fitness, and just plain rah rah spots promoting different units.
But even with this Plethora of Pap to choose from, in my mind one commercial stands out from all the rest...and not in a good way. Here's the scenario:
A clearly over-caffeinated soldier and a frumpy civilian female walk together to the parking lot after some sort of on-base college class, somewhere in Europe. The soldier reaches his car and starts crawling around on the pavement, looking behind the wheels and under the chassis, while the woman, in a voice only slightly less annoying that Judge Judy's, asks the soldier why he always is checking his car. Her phrasing imples that she thinks he's a twitchy dude. The woman heads toward her own car, spots a big-ass cardboard box placed behind her front tire, and starts shrieking hysterically. The camera cuts to a presumed terrorist female who is watching this from her own car, finger hovering over the buttons of her cell phone, waiting for the right moment to blow up the woman, who is STILL wailing...(at this point, pretty much everyone watching this commercial is yelling, "Push the damn button, lady!")...The soldier runs over, asks the wailer, "Did you see anyone? I'm calling 9-1-1!!!" (But completely overlooks the only occupied car in the parking lot, which speeds past 'em as the soldier obliviously shouts into the phone!) Shrieking a bit more quietly, the woman turns to the soldier and asks him, "Why me? why didn't they try to blow YOU up?" The soldier turns his steely-eyed squint toward his colleague and growls, "Because I made myself into a HARD TARGET!" (Cue the porno movie soundtrack...)
While I can never do full justice to the complete and utter cheesiness this commercial exudes, you'll have to take my word for it...the sheer suckitude defies description. Oh well, perhaps it has made its way on to Youtube by now...If so, I promise to post the link, and you can judge for yourself...