In Search Of the Perfect Golf Ball...

Now that I'm playing golf on a more frequent basis, I have been auditioning different types of golf balls to complement my style and ability. ("Style" and "Ability" are hopeful euphemisms for "Duffing" and "Hacking".)
Like most golfers who own a high handicap (mine's a 30, but I'm determined to get it in the teens by the end of summer), I ignore the ads shown on TV during the PGA tour events, featuring the pros touting their brand of golf ball. I mean, seriously, why would I spend fifty bucks for a dozen balls just in case I really need that extra 5 degrees of backspin? I've never been able to cause a ball to do that anyway, even by accident. Fifteen extra yards? Not likely, unless I land on the paved cartpath.
Here is MY criteria for choosing a golf ball:

1. Is it a really bright color, so I can find it in the woods/hillside/rough within the USGA's allotted 5 minutes? (If they ever make a golf ball equipped with a bright, pulsing strobe light, well, that'd be worth shelling out $50 per dozen!)
2. Can I get away with slipping a box into the shopping cart at Fred Meyer, without causing my Spousal Unit to give me her famous, "Guess I'll have to put back all of the luxury items, like the fish, chicken, and pork chops, so that we can afford those essential GOLF BALLS!" look?
3. Will sailing one or two balls into a water hazard cause me to recalculate the annual golfing budget, and eliminate three or four rounds?
4. Does the package, or even more importantly, the ball, sport a really stupid name, or a Sponge-Bob Squarepants logo?  I saw a carton of 36 bright yellow balls on sale the other day...(Why, yes, it WAS at WalMart...what's your point?)...for ten bucks. Score, right? Nope, because as erratically as I play the game, having some other golfer call out to me, "Are you playing the yellow SpongeBob Squarepants?" would cause me to slink off the course mid-round.
5. Did I mention that it has to be a super bright, "find it in any terrain, burn out your optic nerve if you stare at it too long" color?

I will gladly consider any and all recommendations, as long as they fall within the outlined parameters. Thanks in advance for your assistance!